Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
farters have to be the big spoon...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
