Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
