Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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