he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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