A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
