So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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