well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
