you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
