We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
