i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to sanitize my soul.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
