Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
