Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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