i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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