ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
