I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
