I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
