I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
