Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
