she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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