period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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