i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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