so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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