Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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