The maid of honor just puked.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize