He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
