Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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