Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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