Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
