So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
