im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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