Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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