Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
