Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
