I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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