Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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