gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
