How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
