JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
