I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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