Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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