It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
