I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
