it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So vagazzling was a success
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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