I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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