Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
