the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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