I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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