Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
