If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
