Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
