He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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